Why I Sleep With a Blankie
13 May 2012 4 Comments
in Thinking out loud Tags: grief, Mother's Day, sadness, trusting God
Hello.
My name is Carissa.
I’m 38 years old and I still sleep with a blankie.
Did your mother say you can’t take it to college?
Well, my mother is not here so I did.
Which is why I still sleep with a blankie most nights.
And it’s also why it’s really hard for me not to say Mother’s Day sucks. I tell myself, “this you’re not going to break down and cry. It’s been 25 years. Get over it.” I try really hard to not succumb to sadness and depression on this day or all the other days that make me miss my mom. Like my birthday, my kids birthdays, her birthday, Christmas, Easter, Fourth of July, my wedding day, my 20th anniversary, or pretty much any day ending in the letter “y.”
I try really hard to be content with what I have, and join in with all the festivities of this day. I try really hard to paint a grateful picture for my kids that their pictures, cards, gifts, and hugs are enough. I try really hard to smile and nod in agreement for every sermon I’ve heard in the past 25 years honoring mothers. I try really hard to reach out to single moms, moms who have lost their moms, moms whose babies have gone to heaven and make them feel loved on this day I don’t care for. I try to make the phone calls to the family members that I didn’t send a card. I don’t like that aisle in the store. I try to keep busy on this day because if I slow down I’ll hear a song, have a memory, feel an emotion that I can’t contain. I keep my words of advice short and to the point for those who ask how I’ve overcome losing my mom early in my life. I try not to be bitter. I try not to still question God and his sovereignty after all these years. I try not to let the desire of my heart dictate who I am.
I try to control the tightening of my chest that keeps my breaths short today.
I try to control the wound in my heart from seeping into my mind.
So I sleep with a blankie. And I try to pull from the depths of my memories my mother’s voice and her cool touch as she rubbed my back as I would fall asleep wrapped in the blankie she made. I try to find the peace of an innocent child who has never known pain or abandonment or deep seeded sadness. I try to be who God intended me to be without my mother.
3 Things I learned this week from Little Miss Darby Graham
11 May 2012 Leave a Comment
in Thinking out loud Tags: blessings, child-like faith, Christianity, conviction, encouragement, kids, parenting
I have a little friend whom I’ve never been blessed with actually meeting. Before you start questioning the voices in my head, this little friend actually exists. Her name is Darby Graham and I think she’s pretty neat. I call her Little Miss just because.
At four, she digs bling so I try to send her a little something now and again. She loves to create so I mailed her a journal and a story to illustrate. But at age four, the really neat thing about Darby, is she loves God. And I’m not just talking about a little “Jesus Loves Me” kinda love. This week, Darby already knows she loves God so much that she wants to be obedient to Him. She wants Him to be the leader of her life. She asked Him to forgive her sins.
Even now I can’t help crying at the simple beauty of this.
Her daddy posted a short video where Darby describes why we need God. Here’s 3 things Darby reminded me of this week.
1. Darby is enthusiastic and joyful to share what God has done for everyone.
How many times do I feel prompted to share the Gospel with someone but I over think it? I’m worried about offending them. I feel like I have to put some spin on it to have it come across as convicting but not condemning. I ease into the conversation. I skirt around the topic. I dangle christian-eze to hopefully have them to come to me questions so I don’t have to appear to forward coming to them with real answers. Darby is so happy to share what God is doing. It’s a natural outpouring of very joy filled heart. Her eyes are bright, her body language is animated, her words are simple but clear. You are absolutely drawn in and you want what she has. Darby wants everyone to have what she has because she knows it’s really good stuff. She’s not holding out on anyone.
2. Darby’s love for Jesus didn’t happen overnight.
I think for a four year old Darby has an unusual, simple understanding of the Gospel. But this is also not an accident. Darby pronounces in the video that her mommy and daddy are Christians, something she is very proud of and something she is very aware of. Her spiritual upbringing has been intentional by her parents since before she was born. Casey and Kacie have purposefully raised their daughter to know Christ in their home. They have intentionally involved her in children’s ministry at their church. They have surrounded her with a cloud of witnesses to support her spiritual growth. I was reminded that my goal is to set my children as straight arrows and to aim them clear and true towards God. I can’t let that responsibility go to the wayside. I have to be continually casting that vision for my children. Darby prompted me that night to go talk to each of my children about their current understanding of God and what He did for them and to remind them He love them. My four year old friend reminded me everyday is critical for me to guide my children to God.
3. Darby has captured what it means to be a Child of God.
When I heard that Darby had accepted Christ, my first prayer was “Lord, let time freeze for her. When she’s 16, 26, 36, 66 let her always remember this night.” I don’t want anyone to despise Darby’s decision because of her age. Matthew 18:4 says “Therefore, whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven.” Darby reminded me that God views all of us as His little children. I don’t think he views as His adult children either. Just like Darby climbed up into the Lord’s lap this week, I needed to be reminded that I’m never too big for my Abba’s lap either. I think part of our continual spiritual growth and renewal is to remain as children, humble and innocent, just like Darby.
Do you remember what it was like when you first came to know Christ? How do you maintain your child-like innocence?
Darby Graham shares her Christianity-http://youtu.be/yfWheH85d0Y
In celebration …
09 May 2012 Leave a Comment
in Thinking out loud Tags: birthdays, donations, The Sparrow's Nest Maternity Home
In celebration of my last birthday ever *wink,wink
Donate $39 during the month of June to The Sparrow’s Nest and be entered into a drawing for one of 3 gift cards to my top 3 favorite places.
1. Starbucks
2. Wehrenberg Theaters
3. Mario’s Gyros and Donuts.
You can donate through our secure website at http:www.TheSparrowsNestStl.org
You can start the old jokes here:
I’m out of whack with The Trinity
07 May 2012 Leave a Comment
in Thinking out loud Tags: balance, faith, Holy Spirit, homeostasis, prayer, questions, Trinity
I seem to constantly strive for homeostastis.
I’m all or nothing.
Or leaning a bit too much this way or that.
But hardly ever balenced.
I get the nutrition down but fall apart on exercise. I’m highly productive but abandon my family. I have time for friends but fail to build new relationships. I am reckless but fearful.
I have strong faith but lack real prayer.
This is where I am today. I realized in the last week or so I choose not to interact with the Holy Spirit. I think my lack of understanding has caused me to be a chicken. I pray for knowledge but turn away from godly wisdom. Again, where’s the homeostasis?
I can actually wrap my head around God’s love for me. I can gratefully accept Christ’s sacrifice for me. But yesterday, I finally confessed through tears and a shaking voice that I am afraid of the Holy Spirit. I don’t get it. But I went ahead and fearfully I whispered to the Holy Spirit to reveal to me the plans I desire.
I’m out of whack with The Trinity.
This entity makes me questions have I really received God’s message, have I accepted the Holy Spirit? (Acts 8:14-17)
But yet I see the Holy Spirit has done everything that needed to be done for everyone to be perfected.
(Hebrews 10:11-18)
Can I really ignore such a force as the Holy Spirit?
(Acts 2:1-4)
Do I live in “prayerful expectancy” for the desires of my heart? Do I really want to be led by the Spirit into the things He is revealing?
(Luke 2:25-32)
Have I not accomplished the desires of my heart because I am still trying to be self-led instead of God-led? Am I allowing the Spirit to make it possible for me to do what I need to do?
(Ezekial 36:24-28)
Am I rejecting a gift from God by not exploring the fullness of my faith?
(1Thess 4:8)
Have I lost this precious insight granted to me by my Father by not only guarding it but I pushing it away as something meant for other people?
(2 TImothy 1:13-14)
How has the Holy Spirit revealed itself to you? How do you wrap your heart and mind around the Trinity?
3 Things I learned About Revolutionizing The World
01 May 2012 Leave a Comment
in Thinking out loud Tags: fear, God's plans, Michael Perkins, obedience, revolution
3 Things I learned About Revolutionizing The World
Michael Perkins’ blog, The Handwritten, has pretty much become my morning devotional. It’s so simple and raw. A simple phrase or two and a scripture. But that simple phrase or two are so enchanting you are automatically drawn to the Bible to look at up that scripture. For me, there’s no easy way out, like saying something like, “Oh he made a scripture reference, must be good stuff, no need to really see what it really says since it’s in the bible.” For me, there’s a difference between simple faith and lazy faith.
This morning Michael posted “I am the Revolution.” Matthew 28:16-20
I’ll go easy on you and give you a little bit of the scripture. If you’re like me and cannot memorize scripture references, at all.
This is where the stone is rolled away, the women meet the angel, and he tells them not to be afraid but that everything is going as planned, just as Jesus said it would. The woman are so excited they run down the path and run smack into Jesus and hold onto him for dear life with fear. Jesus with something like “stay close to me, but don’t cling so tight you can’t move. I need you to move to go tell my brothers the next part of The Plan.” The chapter ends with Jesus undeterred by the priest’s plans to malign the disciples, undeterred by his own disciples worship or fear, setting out the rest of The Plan.
The Plan was they were to Go.
Several things popped out at me.
1. The angel at the tomb told the women to quickly get to their task of telling the disciples what to do for the next part of The Plan. The women obeyed this command and yet a few steps into it they run smack into Jesus.
I wonder sometimes if we remember to do the same thing. That once we hear the call, and start running down the path, do we check in with Jesus? Are we running ahead, behind, or in pace with Christ on the path He’s put us on? Are we brave enough to start running down the path laid before us or are we looking for side paths?
2. Jesus told the women they were hanging on for dear life to Him and that they should not be frightened like that.
I think there’s a difference between clinging to Jesus as the source of Life and trying to suck the Life out of Jesus. What I mean by this is we can convince ourselves that we aren’t ready for a calling, we haven’t prepared enough, we don’t have enough knowledge which are all just really nice ways of saying we’re scared out of our minds. We’re smart enough to know we need to stay really close to Christ but in reality we’re trying to hide behind Christ. Jesus says we have nothing to fear, we need to get out and do what He said we need to do.
3. The Plan was undeterred by evil nor by fear nor by disbelief nor by worship.
The last section of this chapter shows us Jesus had laser like focus on The Plan. His plan was for us all to go out and continually revolutionize the world with His love, grace, and mercy. He didn’t have Plan B to thwart the soldiers and high priests. He was not distracted by the disciples who fell to his knees to worship nor what he distracted by trying to convince those who held back from worship. He laid out The Plan and expected it to be carried out by all who heard it.
Have you started running down the path Jesus has cleared for you? Are you checking in with Him or are you clinging to Him in fear? Are you doubting The Plan?
Let me encourage you to keep an eye on the guy out front. He’s got it all under control.
My blood is boi…
23 Apr 2012 1 Comment
My blood is boiling. I worked all weekend on finding housing for a 16 year old and her 3 month old baby. She was supposedly “just young and bewildered.” She lost her mom not too long ago. She was a good Catholic girl that just got swept along in public school.
Hockey pucks.
Turns out I’ve inadvertantly worked with this young lady before. She’s anything but young and bewildered. Trying conniving. She doesn’t have her baby anymore because she made an adoption plan for her. She’s never known her mom. She lies. Alot. Especially about people who try to help her.
SO many people have tried to help her. Her dad has spent countless hours and dollars trying to get her help. I want to pop her on the back of her head and shout, “Really, how’s this behavior working out for you!!! Do you have any idea how close you are to being on the STREETS!”
Does she have any idea on the impact she has on other girls who really do need help and want it. Does she have any idea how she strengthens the stereotype? Does she fathom how hard it will be for me the next time a legitimate need comes up to find housing and resources for another teen girl?
What’s wrong with her?
Enters the Father, not hers. Mine.
Stay on good terms with each other, held together by love. 2 Be ready with a meal or a bed when it’s needed. Why, some have extended hospitality to angels without ever knowing it! 3Regard prisoners as if you were in prison with them. Look on victims of abuse as if what happened to them had happened to you. 4 Honor marriage, and guard the sacredness of sexual intimacy between wife and husband. God draws a firm line against casual and illicit sex. 5 Don’t be obsessed with getting more material things. Be relaxed with what you have. Since God assured us, “I’ll never let you down, never walk off and leave you,” 6 we can boldly quote, God is there, ready to help; I’m fearless no matter what. Who or what can get to me? 7 Appreciate your pastoral leaders who gave you the Word of God. Take a good look at the way they live, and let their faithfulness instruct you, as well as their truthfulness. There should be a consistency that runs through us all. 8 For Jesus doesn’t change – yesterday, today, tomorrow, he’s always totally himself. Hebrews 13:1 The Message
Just a reminder to myself I perform for an audience of one. I am to serve The Least, The Lost, and The Lonely. Judgement is not mine. No matter the outcome, I am responsible to God and God alone.
Please don’t tell me to stand still
14 Apr 2012 6 Comments
in Thinking out loud Tags: a look inside my brain, battle, dreams, frustrations, God's timing, obedience, preparation, self-discovery, trusting God
I didn’t wake up very rested this morning. Which usually means I was doing battle in my head all night. And because of a certain word tattoed on my mind’s eye this morning I think I was wrestling with God, *sigh again.
STAND
This is one of the worst things in the world you can say to me. To be told to “stand over here and wait, or stand on the sidelines, you’re on stand by” just makes me want to jump out of my skin. I don’t want to just stand around doing nothing. I need to move. Life is short. I can’t just stand around waiting for things to happen.
Especially in this season of my life of trying to create something from nothing the bulldozer side of me is aching to get out. I’m holding back every natural order within me that if something needs built or created, you put your head down, and keep moving forward until it’s done. Their are literally lives at stake here. I need to take a stand for innocent lives and social justice. I don’t need to stand around waiting for somebody else to do what I’ve seen. I need to fight, and battle to see this mission to completion. But that’s not what God is speaking to me.
15 He said: “Listen, King Jehoshaphat and all who live in Judah and Jerusalem! This is what the LORD says to you: ‘Do not be afraid or discouraged because of this vast army. For the battle is not yours, but God’s.16 Tomorrow march down against them. They will be climbing up by the Pass of Ziz, and you will find them at the end of the gorge in the Desert of Jeruel. 17You will not have to fight this battle. Take up your positions; stand firm and see the deliverance the LORD will give you, Judah and Jerusalem. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Go out to face them tomorrow, and the LORD will be with you.’”
Why I try to convince God that he doesn’t understand me is a mystery to both He and I. I’ve had this incorrect vision in my head of standing being a static position. Almost like loafing, or someone just holding up a wall. This scripture that God gave me is just the opposite. He is telling me to take my position. He’s giving me permission to get ready, to make the preparations, to build the relationships, to raise the money, to cast the vision, to gather the troops and the supplies for the so-called battle.
He’s telling me to stand to be ready to move on His direction. But He’s also reminding me this is His plan. I didn’t come up with this on my own. The idea of Sparrow wasn’t something I just dreamed up. He has been building this desire, this passion, this road for me and many others. He’s in charge and He will see this through to completion.
God isn’t telling me to stand still,
He’s telling me to stand at attention
And I am. I feel poised at the river’s edge ready to step in when He tells me it’s the right time. I’m standing in surrender and obedience to Him.
Are you standing at attention while God fights the battles in your life? How have you found standing helps you prepare?
Back when I was…
06 Apr 2012 Leave a Comment
in Thinking out loud Tags: childhood, memories
Back when I was a kid was trending recently and I had too many things to tweet. (I know odd, me, not filling up the timeline, who knew?) I honestly do not know what has happened to the last 25 years. I’m approaching a major age milestone but I still feel like I’m no more than 18. But the truth of the matter is I was born in 1973 so I think I’m a GenXer and although I didn’t have to walk uphills in the snow both way while carrying my brothers, some things have changed.
Here’s some things that came to mind:
Back when I was a kid…
1. I could not wait to get to school.
It’s a foreign concept to me for my kids to hate school. I loved school, I loved playing school, I eventually became a teacher and now spend may too much money at Office Max on yellow legal pads, post-its, and smelly markers.
2. I spent most of my time outside, sunshine, rain, cold, it didn’t matter.
I wasn’t allowed to watch too much tv. I loved to climb trees, ride my bike, and shoot baskets. I would read up in our tulip tree and watch the ants file by while weaving necklaces out of clover. I burned myself to a crisp at the lake and the pool while eating Chico Stix. Most summer nights found me racing home before the street lights and mosquito spraying man came.
3. My friends and I played stupid games.
In my neighbor’s back yard we stole a 6 foot sheet of plywood from the construction site in our subdivision. We would stand on either side of it and chunk pieces of concrete at each other. The object of the game was to guess where the concrete was going to fall and dunk just in time. My brother and I ended up on a first name basis at the urgent care clinic.
4. I made what I needed or wanted to have.
If I needed cape, I took a pillowcase. If I needed to make a factory, I turned my Desert Cactus yellow banana seat bike upside down and wa la! There was a gears. If I needed a magic concoction, a few of my mother’s rose petals, some Tropical fruit punch and a dash of glitter did the job. If I wanted a library, I wrote inside the cover of every book I owned the checkout list. If I needed to get rid of a brother, well… some things start to escape my memory. I had lots of fundraisers for different causes. I once had a lemonade stand to help fund The Statue of Liberty renovations.
5. Things tasted richer then
I remember apples have veins of red sweetness in them and popsicles being loaded with real sugar. I couldn’t stand tomatoes and onions because they were too strong but now I eat them all day long. I remember oranges dripping with juice but now it seems like they’re all dehydrated under the skin. Drinking cold milk from a tin cup was a creamy treat. Now everything tastes watered down and fake.
I’ll save the rest of my stories to bore my kiddos to death but I’m curious about some of things you remember back when you were a kid.
Random thoughts on chicken faith
06 Apr 2012 Leave a Comment
in Thinking out loud Tags: a look inside my brain, conviction, dreams, faith, self-discovery, trusting God
I have been given a vision. Clear as day.
Yet I’ve only been given a pen light to see the path through the forest at night.
The purpose is easy to see.
Yet I walk by blind faith because the path is short sighted.
My confidence is in the Father of my salvation.
Yet I’m distracted by the father of lies.
I believe with my whole heart I am within His will.
Yet my mind questions The Plan.
My heart leaps at the dream.
Yet my body is paralyzed by fear.
I say He can move mountains.
But I still roll a mustard seed around with my finger willing it to be something more than it is.
There is a lack of trust that leads to trusting in what I don’t see that keeps me going.
It’s being afraid but not fearful.
I Corinthians 16:3
Keep your eyes open,
hold tight to your convictions,
give it all you’ve got, be resolute,
Chicken faith is still faith.
Texas A&M Ring Day
30 Mar 2012 Leave a Comment
in Thinking out loud Tags: Aggies, Alma Mater, Association of Former Students, college, excellence, perseverance, Ring Day, symbolism, Texas A&M University
Today is Ring Day at my Alma Mater Texas A&M University. This is the day when thousands of Ags pick up their Aggie Ring. The oldest known ring was made in 1889. With very few changes the ring has remained relatively the same design. You have to be eligible for an Aggie RIng with your degree already posted. It isn’t cheap. It’s covered for a lifetime.
The Aggie Ring is covered in symbolism. The top and both sides are rich with detail covering U.S. patriotism, Texas pride, personal endeavors such as excellence My favorite part is the laurel leaves to show achievement and to represent peace and the live oak leaves to represent the strength to fight. The two join together to show the desire to serve.
I sweat blood and tears for my ring. Graduating from such a tough academic school is one of my top ten accomplishments. I couldn’t even afford my ring and my inlaws bought most of it for me. I don’t take it off. It’s reminder of what really hard work and perseverance can produce.
The honor of attending Texas A&M was such a blessing and one completely unknown to me when I graduated from high school. I have so many wonderful memories of meeting life long friends, experiencing things I had never thought possible, and growing rabidly in my faith through Aggies for Christ. The opportunities afforded to me from graduating from such a prestigious school are incredible.
I worked my tail off for my ring and believe me, I am SO grateful for being graded on the curve most of the time. I give a big ‘ole WHOOP out to the thousands of students today who are earning their ring. Welcome to one of the most recognizable and significant collegiate networks. Well done Ag!!
If I had a superhero power it would be mind reading. But I don't have that power...yet. So leave your thoughts