In honor of Erica’s Birfday I am eating sub par Chinese buffet in DC by myself. I’m not sure why I keep trying Chinese buffets and tempting the fates but I do. I’m pretty sure Skrivan would let these people know buffet usually indicates warm and does not leave your guests wondering if the sushi is going to revisit your toilet a few hours from now. Time shall tell. Cheers to Scrivans and her Birfday!
One of the greatest lessons I have learned is to not take up space that is available. For most of my life I blustered into people’s lives as a force of nature. Take me or leave me you get what you get. I’ve tried to dial myself back just a click or two. Not remove myself but be stiller, calmer, more present.
A young lady in my life uses humor to defer and deflect the grief in her life. So much so you wouldn’t think she has endured tragedy, assault, or abandonment. With the exception that she moves fast and talks fast. Too fast for much human touch or interaction.
In the past week she began a very odd dance with me. She began to connect with me by choreographing my movements. She would place her hand on top of my arm and place it on her shoulder or pick my hand up and place my hand on her other hand. It was if I was a mannequin she was staging in and around her personal space.
Today I was saying good bye and she look to delay me by thinking of ways to continue our conversation. She once again put her hand on top of my arm and seemed to try to absent mindedly to rest her cheek on the back of my hand. Just as if a mother were to gently brush a child’s face.
These interactions are very brief and momentary. But the intentionality of this young woman seeking gentleness in a controlled manner speaks volumes to me. If I were to initiate this contact it most likely would be denied. But in trying to just be present and available I am blessed to see and be a part, I believe, of a little soul and heart healing.
We all need to connect to others. We all have the basic need of comfort and tenderness from human contact even when most of what we have known has been measured and brutal. I think our challenge in this world is to be generous in our love and to love others in their language not ours.
Sometimes you are sitting in yet another hotel room getting ready for yet another workshop. And you feel as weary as a wrung out towel. But more like a wrung out towel that was used to clean up an overflowing toilet.
Your mind is a million miles away trying to figure out how to keep it all from falling apart but make it look like it is not. You pretend to go through the exercises of scheduling and strategy but in your head you start having conversations with God that sound like “if I do this… God will you do…”And you find yourself praying prayers that sound oddly like “there must be something wrong with me for this to be so difficult, I must have made a mistake, maybe I’m not the right person, is this the hoop you want me to jump through or is it this one…You beg for a pruning even though you feel like there isn’t much left to you but surely you are holding on to something to make this so hard.
Then you have a bajillion people tell you to listen to Vienna, Just the Way you Are, Keeping the Faith, She’s Got A Way all by Billy Joel and all of sudden everything is ok if you let yourself hear God speaking through music you had wished would distract you. And you just be you. And you once again realize everything is already ok for one more day even if you have another post that sounds like rinse and repeat, maybe somebody else needs it to be ok to feel like you don’t quite measure up.