Most of The Time I’m a Huckleberry


I am normally an abnormally confident, self- aware, self-assured, exceptional woman, most of the time.

I’m unusually soft spoken but I can also be loud and crass. I have a speech impediment. I used to hate speaking in public. But you should listen to me , most of the time.

I am madly in love with God. I pursue Him relentlessly, most of the time.

Most of the time I am transparent except for the insanely private side of me. The part that doesn’t want people to know I don’t have it all together. The part that hides all things sinful. All inconsistencies with my faith and identity. All fears, all of Satan’s lies that I have given the floor. Poor self esteem, the depression, the horrible memories. etc. My black swirling vortex of absolute fear that threatens to swallow me whole. That’s the part God is pruning right now. And by pruning I mean hacking away at.

God is fighting for me.

These are the top 3 things I have learned in the past 7 days.

1. God loves me. Really. Not just because He has to. Or because I’m some charity case He feels pity for. But He LOOOOVVVVEEESSS me like nothing I’ve ever experienced or really allowed myself to experience.

2. He is a gentleman and will never make me do something I’m not ready to do. But when I need a battle fought for my soul, He is my champion. He knows I can’t win this one on my own.

3. I have accepted many of Satan’s lies that are not consistent with God’s will for my life. God does not expect me to just labor through this life with this baggage. He expects me to turn my burdens over to him. He will take on my nightmares.

I’m opening myself up to some pretty big, bad  things. But this is a critical time of my life and my family’s life. I can do so much on my own. I really am a powerful woman drenched in the Spirit of God. But this one, well, this one instead of fleeing away from the black, swirling vortex of fear and shame and despair I’m walking right into the middle of that one. I’m fearful but that doesn’t get in the way of courage from God. I picture myself armed with God, crazy hair swirling around (forever a diva), getting ready to battle, kicking butt and asking question later.

I’ve asked a few key people to pray for me daily to have strength, endurance, wisdom, and discernment. And you can join them. I’m not ashamed to ask.

I know I’m not alone. Do you need to hear someone else is about to walk into the black, swirling vortex of fear? Do you need to someone to walk with you? To battle with you? To call on the Almighty name of God?

I’ll be your huckleberry.

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