I was going to apologize for my “Debby Downer Eyeore” published posts of late but then I remembered this blog is for me to have a voice and you can choose how to interact or not. I’ll not scare you with the really black unpublished posts. I’ll circle back around to more positive, helpful posts I’m sure but for now this is the tone, mood, flow, what have you.
The theme here continues to be extensive exhaustion. So my guards are down and my own issues seem amplified and then everyone else’s hurts perforate as well. I’ve got relationships that are so sideways that if they do circle back they will need to look totally different from anything before. News comes every 12 hours on the hour of dear friends just going through incredibly tough and horrifically life altering situations. Our ministry has real funding concerns. Guilt over what seems like no time for family, friends, forgotten birthdays, or enjoying anything other than work and chores clouds each thought. I seem to be absorbing all that is wrong in the world. If I hear myself say one more time this year “I just need to get through to the end of the month” I may chop off all my hair, adopt an English accent, and start cataloging all of Peter Robinson’s musical references through Inspector Banks.
There appears to be no chance to breathe. I continually slip into reacting rather than responding proactively. Everything seems to come up on my blindspot. The need for consistent naps and staring blindly at the wall well after the sun has gone down replace getting anything crossed off the never ending to-do list. Hibernation comes to mind quite frequently. Any type of relaxation seems guilt ridden. The thought if I just can push through, work harder, work longer hours, grab time in between this and that, I can make it all work.
I try dabbling in meditation, calendaring, GTD, diet, exercise, supplements, music therapy, journaling, chocolate, wine, reading, doodling, bed time routines, special teas, massage, prayer, bible study, carving out at least a little time with friends and family for movies, coffee, drinks anything to get the vise off my neck, the tension out of my shoulders and the snakes out of my head.
I try to remember what peace, contentment, and real rest feel like and I know now I’m very uncertain for what I am looking for to be able to grab on to it. So I keep wrestling with phrases like “let it go and let God.” I’m searching for this spirit led life rather than this “have it all figured out yourself life.”
Interestingly enough there is a niggle in the back of my head that music is somehow the key.
It is cruel, you know, that music should be so beautiful. It has the beauty of loneliness of pain: of strength and freedom. The beauty of disappointment and never-satisfied love. The cruel beauty of nature and everlasting beauty of monotony.